I will not pretend
I do not know what it is or what it should feel like
But in all honesty, I do not know what I should say
I have a lot to say, but nothing I will say will be clear or make sense because if it did
I’d be writing something a bit more vague or of poetic beauty,
something deep and inspiring, perhaps
or fiery and passionate,
with a touch of pain and heartache
whatever it is it should feel like.
So here I am blabbering like a fish flapping about in a rusty metal tin can,
which doesn’t make sense, as I’ve warned, because fish in metal tin cans
are almost always
the dead ones.
Did I just make a metaphor out of a simile?
Funny, you know,
it’s not like I’m completely inexperienced
or a stony, cold-hearted, unmovable
incapable of returning the affections of those who at least try.
And no, I am not naive or thick-headed
but then again, do naive and thick-headed people admit to their state of mind?
I’ve wondered countless times,
do I shut myself off immediately without even ever trying?
Is it wisdom,
or simply a lack of interest?
But then I ask again,
Yes, why not. Nothing wrong with wanting to be free of the strings that others so easily
Perhaps they feel ready and I simply do not,
or at least am quite happy with where I am.
Or perhaps I misunderstand what I see,
because sometimes things are not so obvious and I have to see beyond the surface
and sometimes they are
a bit too explicit.
is it wiser to just lay back, away from what I can already predict will happen
or allow myself to go through
the roller-coaster rides, the sunrise and sunsets,
just for the sake of it.
Sometimes though, just sometimes,
I let things go.
for a moment.
But I always find myself running back to the arms of my dear old solitude
who embraces me without engulfing me,
and I can be myself